Blue Days

Depression is real. It's nasty and I do not like it.
It is - however- part of my journey as is anxiety.
I am not 'bipolar'.
I am not a 'major depressive'.
I do still have episodes of panic and my troubles with 
Orienteering have gotten worse.
'They' have no idea what I am.
I know that Yoga saved my life. If I had not 
Pushed through and gotten my certification -- 
I may have given up on what it had to offer.
Every day I am reminded of what I can do to try
To help others with their struggles.
One of my hopes is that I can understand what
Some people go through.
These struggles of life are not isolated.
I do not think I would be the teacher I am now if
It were not for the struggles endured along
The way.


Doing something

If someone needs something- give it to them if you can spare it. 
I am tired of only hearing folks saying, 'I'll pray for you".
Sure. Pray. Also:DO SOMETHING. 
At some point in your life --  you may need actual help as well.
Give the world your talents. I sincerely believe that is the kiln they are fired in.


Round and round

can someone explain to me when life becomes predictable?
Every day becomes so much similar to the preceding day that the only
Separation is madness.


I am accepting students for August.  I still work on a sliding scale, so that my rates are affordable within personal attention guidelines.

I have decided over the past two years that privates are the best solution I can offer.  


Self image and esteem

Many people have body identity disorders.  I knew it always existed --like the dust on the fridge coils-- but like everyone else -- I have ignored it.  That is both the case with myself and others.  I really thought it was a personal mountain to climb all of these years.  Lately, I have been doing some research on different body image disorders and have come to the conclusion that it is rampant not only in America, but other countries as well.  It is not just a female problem.  For generations, people have had a gross misunderstanding of what they 'should' look like and how they feel about the bodies that they do inhabit.  I am going to share a story with you from my child hood.  It is painful and it left a large scar not only on my heart but on the opening where I allow women to enter in as friends.

In the second grade, I was invited to a birthday party at a classmates' home in the 'rich' area of town.  There were several kids there and I thought I was having a wonderful time.  (I was utterly oblivious at this age.). At the end of the day, the mother of the birthday girl noticed that I was very interested in the food they had at the party.  (My family did not buy luxury items and I went crazy.). She send me packing with a crapload of sweets, thinking she was helping me out.  She was a very sweet woman.
In the back of the truck we were all in to head back to our respective cars- a horrible incident occurred.  All of these 7 and 8 year olds started chanting about me becoming fat.  This was because I had a care package of food in my tiny little hands.  ( mind you, I was 8 and might have weighed 60 pounds)
I started crying like a crazy person.  I felt so betrayed and ostracized in those few moments.  I have had problems ever since then with knowing what is appropriate to eat in front of others.  At this point, I have gotten over it, but my teen years were riddled with all of their voices chanting in my head every time the scale would go up a pound.
There was one girl in the truck that made them stop.  I plan to thank her for that when I see her in the future. I always wanted to thank her for that kindness, but I never wanted to bring it up.

Please teach your children to be kind.  The best way to do this is to show them through your interactions with others.  Hungry people are not always obese people.  Also, bigger bodies do not always eat 'too much' -- we are all different.  We also all deserve love.

I still have a problem with cookies.  I eat them, however.  


For Boston

ॐ भूर्भुवः॒ स्वः ।
तत्स॑वितुर्वरे॑ण्यं ।
भ॒र्गो॑ दे॒वस्य॑ धीमहि। ।
धियो॒ यो नः॑ प्रचो॒दया॑त्॥ 

Oṃ bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ
tát savitúr váreṇ(i)yaṃ
bhárgo devásya dhīmahi
dhíyo yó naḥ pracodáyāt

Om Shanti.  Please Shanti.  Come Shanti.  


Oṃ bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ
tát savitúr váreṇ(i)yaṃ
bhárgo devásya dhīmahi
dhíyo yó naḥ pracodáyāt


BreaKing OpeN

I think we all go through periods of breaking open.  
I have had several of them so far in my life.  I am not one to believe in fate, but there seems to be a pattern here.  It goes from focus to non-focus, and the focused parts are the hardest.  When I am focused on myself and what I am doing, everything in the outside world slows to  crawl and my heart races so fast it sounds like a horse.  The last thirteen months have been a breaking point to rival and ante up my breaking open of 2002-2004.  It is a bad trip, a hangover.  You never quite know when it will end.
I have been through tears, anger, frustration and giving up.  
Over a year of tests, doctor's visits and begging people to take me to them.
Months of pleading with people to simply come over and ride with me in the car, so that I can drive a bit.
My ideas about what it means to be alone in this world -- truly alone -- have gelled in the past year. 
I am sure that all of these experiences are not going to be bad in hindsight.  I am sure it is all part of my process.  I am sure that I will wake up one day and get in my car and drive.
I am sure.